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January 7th, 2006

02:53 pm: just another day
well I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. 1 more bad week then I should be caught up, and be able to start enjoying myself agian.. It has been really hard being stuck in this house broke unable to do anything..hell I even started looking foward to going to work...so you know it most be bad.

I do feel bad cause I seem to take it out on my roomate, which is my ex-wife..(if you want to know then ask). I do try not to, but she isnt the easiest person to live with. she's a good person mostly. I do worrie about her and her future. Ok I worrie about her alot, its getting to the pointe that I cant take it anymore and I dont know what she will do when I live. Ok thats enough of that I got to go.

January 3rd, 2006

04:31 pm: why, why not?
why are peolpe the way that we are? is it becouse we have no control? is it becouse we think we have some control? are we how we are becouse of D N A. or is it a result of our past experience's? is it both?
Dont know why I do the shit that I do, dont know why I feel the way I do. I do know that my life is better then most(not nearly is fun). but I'm healthy have a desent job a wonderful daughter.

Current Mood: confusedconfused

December 28th, 2005

03:13 pm: work sucks!!!
Need I say more? I will, Today was a great day tempature wise. The rain sucked the mud was worst. Tractor broke, roofing sucked...nothing went right. but its over, I'm home..if thats what I should call it. not sure there. so I get to do it all over tomarrow

Current Mood: tiredtired

December 27th, 2005

01:11 am: lie's
Well I dont expect much from her, but she dosent need to lie to me. she thinks I'm a dumbass, that I believe whatever she tells me. Honestly I dont care thats why I dont pry. she can do whatever she wants and dosent have to tell me anything...but instead she offers all this information and lie's. why lie when she needs not say anything?

Current Mood: confusedconfused

December 26th, 2005

04:46 am: It's over, finaly.
Well christmas is over, now I can start recovering from all the stress and insaneity of it all. Not that I dont like this time of year...but I only enjoy watching me daughter, the joy and complete belief she has makes it all worth wild. I do admit this year I felt like a scruged. Its been a long year. well got to go bye

Current Mood: blahblah

December 23rd, 2005

02:24 am: Isnt that just great.

         Well on my way to work thursday I ran out of gas, when its 6:30 in the morning and you run out of gas.. its freaken cold. Lucky for me I was pulling into the drive at work when it happened. yes I had money for gas, a whole 6 bucks. but if I would have stop and spent it on gas I wouldn't have had any money for food. at the shop the frist thing I got to do was talk to my supervisier, yaeh that was fun. If you are wondering I am a forman at a local consturction company. Then I found out that one of our guys was planing to come with me to put on my roof, usally a good thing...I wasnt ready, close but not ready. and unless you are a total dumb ass...late december in michigan is fucken cold working outside. so we went delt with the wind and windchill. started putting on the roof it was slipery, cover with snow and ice. I even fell and I dont fall. Luckily it was only 14ft but when I landed of course i had my toolbelt on, and I landed with my hammer right on my tailbone. I forgot to mention this whole day started off with me feeling sick. and that just makes everything worst. So once again I went to work sick as a dog, the whole day wishing I wsnt there. But if I didnt work I would have been stuck home all day with my ex which is my roomate. And I cant afford to miss any work, I despirtly need the money. Plus honestly spending all day with my roomate, well I think I would rather go to work sick..Not that we dont get along cause we usally do. But not latly.  Back to money issues. its bad ,today I supossed to be sleeping in starting my 10 days off, but I'm going to work, today tomarrow(yes christmas eve) I do get christmas day off (just becouse I wont make anyone come in and work...that would be wronge) then I plan on working all of next week. Thats how bad we need money (my ex and me).  So the chirstmas break I've been looking foward too for so long. is going to suck donkey dicks. So today starts what going to be a very long weekend, and I'm already tired. I am going to my family;s chirstmas tonight, after that I have plans with a friend that I havent seen since I moved back in here. Kinda miss her. hopfully home around 11, unless my drinking mode kicks in...then I wont make it home. But probaly not to much drinking I do have to get up and go to work in the morning. See how much my life sucks, it gets worst god I need to get laid. It feels like I haent gotton any in years. I'm such a loser, if I could only do what I really want to...qiute my job, pack my things, move to australa and live happily ever after. After I win the lotto of course. But instead I'm sitting here while everone else is still sound asleep, I have to get ready for work really soon. To go make money to help support a women that treats me very badly and makes me feel like shit most of the time. No resentment there! I dont know how to connect with her..there is a part of me that wants to just blow her off and let her fail in life. But she is the mother of my loving child and if I hurt one I hurt them both. So I cant! wont! never will!

Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated

December 22nd, 2005

04:21 pm: chapter 3
Well my first SCHOOL memorie is in 1st grade. I was walking into school, going to my class. When my brother Bill's teacher pulled me aside and said "I dont care what you do, but dont make your brother skip school with you". now the day before I was home snuggeled up in my dad's chair watching cartoons. Sick or facking, I dont remeber. I do however remeber my brother not being there. He skiped! I got blamed.
Elementry school rocks, I remeber there was bathrooms in the classrooms, once I was sick and got to spend all afternoon on a cot in a small little room. I also remeber in 1st grade, thats when I first got a speech theripys(should have been a spelling tutor. I had a slight speech problem, and I had a theripye throw 5th grade. There was this one day, this old guy and women(they were in there 30'd...I was a kid) anyway they took myself and my brother's out of school to a shoe store. They had us try on shoes that they were going to buy for us, when we started trying on shoes they saw our socks and decided we needed new socks. I dont remeber how bad they were but they most have been pertty sad.
Yes I was a charity case, we were on relfare, foodstamps, went to the salvation army, recieved camitatys, food baskets on holidays. It's not that my dad didnt work. when I was going up he worked everyday as a welder. He just didnt get paid much, not enough to support a wife and then 3 boys. but almost every friday night(payday) my dad would pay the bills, buy a case of beer, and we would have pizza.
Growing up We had these friends Josh, and mark. They lived 2 house from us. We were always together. Playing football, tag, climbing trees, getting into truble. And they lived with there uncle...who had the biggest meanest german shepard that I ever saw. SPORT, that was its name. That dog got hit by a semi and lived. it was also the parent of every pup on my block. That dog killed the only cat I ever had as a boy...granny I loved that cat.

December 21st, 2005

06:49 pm: beginning contineued.
well liked I said there was three brother's, and we all shared the same room. At the same time as my fear of the staircase/closet, we shared the same bed. We were young, healthy, energetic boys. If we werent fighting, we got along fairly well most of the time. But of course most of the things I remeber will make it seem like we hated each other. Like the time we were suposed to be trying to sleep and my brother Bob keep telling out younger brother Bill to hit me in the back. and ever time he was told Bill would hit me. I lied there and took it, over and over agian. Why? I dont know. I just lied there as if I was sleeping. I dont remeber reacting at all..not through the whole thing. I remeber he finaly qiute and I went to sleep tearie eyed. I dont think I ever told anyone that.
We had our fun to. We loved playing sports. Taring up the backyard...there wasnt much yard to tare up. We did have lots of nieghborhood kids to play with. I still remeber most of there names.
We wernt the closest family. we didnt spend alot of time with other realatives. Holidays and an ocasinal reunion/cookout. I remeber walking as a family down a snowy hill that seemed so big, over the railroad tracks, then walking on this really long wall it started up around 10ft high and ends about 3ft high. Of course It would be myself and Bill walking on the wall. The rest of the family would be beside it. My mother worried I would fall, My father hopeing I did so he could say I told you, you would fall, Bob not really careing if we did or not. it wasnt a long walk about 3/4's of a mile. We were heading for my grandparents house. My mothers parents. At the time the closer part of my relatives. It was christmas! which meant pesents(we were poor so it seemed like such a hugh deal) and a great meal. My grandma was a great cook. And everone knows grandperents love to spoil the grandkids. But poor grandperents(love them to death) cant afford cool things for one kid..yet alone 3. It was the love and comfort that I miss the most. In case your wondering the pesents were like mittens our socks..stuff like that.

05:25 pm: the beginning
It was a cold and frosty day in Febuary, and just before the Buttcrack of dawn...it gets worst. In the crappy little town called Adrian. A little 7lb 8oz's a healthy, white, little angel of a baby boy was born. I should have had it all. Well I dont remember much of those first few years. Ok I dont remember anything, I'm sure I did abounch of really cute stuff. But this is about what I do remember. My earlier memories are a little scrambled but I'll try to get it right.
The first thing I remeber, I geuss I was around 4 years old. We lived in an apt. upstairs, in the shitty part of town. By we I mean my father, mother, older brother we will call Bob, and a younger brother we will call Bill. And ME. Anyway I was playing with my brothers and I remeber climbing into this wooden box built into the corner in the kichten. We used it to keep returnable bottles in. I remeber being in there awhile, we might have been playing hide and seek. I remeber my brothers standing near the box...I could here them laughing. I remeber trying to get out and not being able to open the lid. I was young I'm sure scared, I even probaly cried. Then I heard my dad come in...then I heard my dad yell. I was then released from what was then HELL. Thank god for brothers.
Around the same time period, we had this closet that was an sealed up old staircase leading down stairs. and where the top stair once was, was a vent. we could stick are heads in it and look down the stair case that was still there...and we did. I know we lost alot of toys down there..Damn. and oppiset the stair was the landing, we couldnt see in there but I totaly believed thats where the monster lived. I remeber sticking a broom handle (or somthing like it) in there and feeling somthing grab it and start pulling. And I was young, and scared, and might have cired. I do remeber bieng scared, I dont think I cired.

December 19th, 2005

04:11 pm: whatever
life sucks gets worst everyday.

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