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soulseeker918

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06:47 pm: what else.
Well I do have to say I'm getting closer every day...closer to control of my life. When I was younger, a was a cocky little shit, a stonge person...more likely to lead then to follow. then I dont really know why, I have my opinions but its not about placeing blame. well anyway I dont know why but I changed so much..I think frist I lost a little pride, then self respect. and over time that effected so many aspects of my life. I stop hanging out with friends, I lost all interst in almost everything, It made my alittle pariniod, and one of the worst things I think was I lost was my temper, not that I got mad I stopped getting mad. I dont want or never have been a vilent or mean man. But it got to the point that I never really even got that mad, I would even aviod putting myself in dangerouse situations.
Dont get me wronge I know I have a long hard road ahead of me...right now me biggest concern is depression, I've never been classified or declared fucked up...but I know. there's days I can barely get myself out of bed to go to work, and there's days I cant even do that. And that really sucks cause I know I could be great at my job but I settle for BARLY getting by. I hate what I have became.
It gets better I'm smart enough to know to sick professional help, but I'm stupid enough not to..I always have a reason. its partly alittle pride I never needed help. I always manage to come out on top. but I'm not that man anymore!
It's totaly fucked up, I was raised poor white trash. growing up we were on and off of welfare all the time, charitys, salvation army, we were trailor trash except we lived in a apt. in the shittier part of town. and out of all of us (4 boys 2 grils) I'm the one with the best chance in life...I have the best job I'm ever going to get..money rise, the work sucks..but I do love it, well I use to. I am the only one physicaly healthy..I think I am!
the only one not on welfare. was the most social and intersting of the bunch, how sad it might be...I think I still am.
Now I live in a nice little shack (it's smalle just a 2 bedroom) in a qiute peacful little town, have a high position in my feild, not loaded by no means but I dont go without. have a decent vehecial, and a wonderful daughter.
and yet I'm almost willing to throw it all away, not really willing but DUH!!! all the shit I do, and dont do, the things I should do but dont. why do I chance not slipping by? my luck cant hold out much longer.
The only way to change my life is to get mean, lose my temper, and take what is mine..To do this I have to hurt someone I have loved for a very long time (when I say love I mean that in a very complexe way...I dont want to be with her, but I never want her to suffer or go without and when she calls me to bail or out I will, and someday I know I will stand over her grave and moarn her), not physicaly but it would change her life in such as hugh negative way. but she hasnt left me any other way, to see her do this to her life..the way it effects our daughter, herself, and yes me. I cant respect her, so I cant deal with her anymore.
damm I ramble alot! I'm fucked, my life is fucked..and although I thought this would make me feel better it has worsten things alot.
Good news...I have gotten some of my temper back (no choice with whats been going on) and alot of my self respect has returned...I think as I lost my respect for her I regained mine...fucked up isnt it. Maybe just Maybe I have regained enough of myself to do somthing about this depression thing.

Current Mood: stressedstressed

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[User Picture]
From:eccentress
Date:August 29th, 2006 07:29 am (UTC)
(Link)
Hi, you probably don't remember me but I was going through some old entries and you just randomly left me a comment, so I thought I would go ahead and do the same... what the hell, right?

I know this post is pretty old, so I hope you're doing better. Also, as cliche as it is, if things didn't fall apart now and then how would we ever put them back together?
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