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July 31st, 2006
Well I do have to say I'm getting closer every day...closer to control of my life. When I was younger, a was a cocky little shit, a stonge person...more likely to lead then to follow. then I dont really know why, I have my opinions but its not about placeing blame. well anyway I dont know why but I changed so much..I think frist I lost a little pride, then self respect. and over time that effected so many aspects of my life. I stop hanging out with friends, I lost all interst in almost everything, It made my alittle pariniod, and one of the worst things I think was I lost was my temper, not that I got mad I stopped getting mad. I dont want or never have been a vilent or mean man. But it got to the point that I never really even got that mad, I would even aviod putting myself in dangerouse situations.
Dont get me wronge I know I have a long hard road ahead of me...right now me biggest concern is depression, I've never been classified or declared fucked up...but I know. there's days I can barely get myself out of bed to go to work, and there's days I cant even do that. And that really sucks cause I know I could be great at my job but I settle for BARLY getting by. I hate what I have became.
It gets better I'm smart enough to know to sick professional help, but I'm stupid enough not to..I always have a reason. its partly alittle pride I never needed help. I always manage to come out on top. but I'm not that man anymore!
It's totaly fucked up, I was raised poor white trash. growing up we were on and off of welfare all the time, charitys, salvation army, we were trailor trash except we lived in a apt. in the shittier part of town. and out of all of us (4 boys 2 grils) I'm the one with the best chance in life...I have the best job I'm ever going to get..money rise, the work sucks..but I do love it, well I use to. I am the only one physicaly healthy..I think I am!
the only one not on welfare. was the most social and intersting of the bunch, how sad it might be...I think I still am.
Now I live in a nice little shack (it's smalle just a 2 bedroom) in a qiute peacful little town, have a high position in my feild, not loaded by no means but I dont go without. have a decent vehecial, and a wonderful daughter.
and yet I'm almost willing to throw it all away, not really willing but DUH!!! all the shit I do, and dont do, the things I should do but dont. why do I chance not slipping by? my luck cant hold out much longer.
The only way to change my life is to get mean, lose my temper, and take what is mine..To do this I have to hurt someone I have loved for a very long time (when I say love I mean that in a very complexe way...I dont want to be with her, but I never want her to suffer or go without and when she calls me to bail or out I will, and someday I know I will stand over her grave and moarn her), not physicaly but it would change her life in such as hugh negative way. but she hasnt left me any other way, to see her do this to her life..the way it effects our daughter, herself, and yes me. I cant respect her, so I cant deal with her anymore.
damm I ramble alot! I'm fucked, my life is fucked..and although I thought this would make me feel better it has worsten things alot.
Good news...I have gotten some of my temper back (no choice with whats been going on) and alot of my self respect has returned...I think as I lost my respect for her I regained mine...fucked up isnt it. Maybe just Maybe I have regained enough of myself to do somthing about this depression thing.
July 6th, 2006
Today I face a harsh truth...The truth about my life! You see I have so many issue's its hard to even know where to begin. I'm alittle parainiod, I suffer from some form of depression, I allowe myself to live in a fantasy world, and I know all of this so to hide from myself I stay high as a kit. that dont always work.
I'm not a bad guy, I actuly think I'm to nice. I blamed my lack of social life on my work life. My work life dose take up alot of my time but it is an excuse. I know that! I just have no drive to do anything, nothing seems fun.
I know I need to fix this..and fix it now! and I do know where to start. its just a matter of taking that frist step. Its hard. wish I had someone to stand by me and help me along the way. But I dont....alone as always. the shittyest thing is its all my fault. why do I allowe this to continue?
I know why I'm pathidic, I'm weak, and I'm scared. I need to find my path, and I need to find it fast. I know I cant go on like this much longer. I'll snap. Where do I find the strength? where do I find the will?
March 27th, 2006
monday, it seems I forgot all about this site. or maybe I just got tired of always posting negative feelings. well this is another one.
I feel like I have givin all that I can, I do as much as I can (for her), I wont even get into the latest stuff. I will say this if I dont get laid soon I'm going to explode.
I do know that the way things are going well it seems to be making it easyier for me to move on, move out, get on with my life. I mean if this is the best I can get from her, then why stay? she knows how much power she has over me. and that sucks. but what she dosent know is, it's not nearly enough.. not without knowing how she truly feels about me. I've stuck around, put up with alot, done every thing I could to keep my family together. I have nothing to feel giulty about.
so since she will never tell me what I want/need to hear, and it seems our livies are going to take different forks in the same road. I geuss its time to start saving for my own place. it hurts to think about leaving her and my daughter, but life will go on....till next time bye
February 21st, 2006
what the fuck...
I'll tell you... if it wasnt for bad luck i wouldnt have any luck at all.
The other day my truck took a shit, no biggy..it's old, beat up. hell I'm shocked it runs as good as it dose. But it's done. I do have another car a 95 prisim, its nice everything but the fact it needs a motor. No I didnt blow it I bought it from my brother in-law. His dumbass blow it. And I wont have the extra money to put into it till the middle of march, so I suck right now. PLUS..I'v been working with my supervisor for the last 3 weeks (can we say stress!). This guy will make shit up to bitch about. Dont get me wronge he knows A hell of alote more then I do, But just becouse its not the way he ran his crew that makes it wronge. Al's an asshole, slave driving bastrd. some of the shit he tells me about "WHEN I WAS A FORMAN" I know I couldnt work for him. But he has taught me a few cool things. The best guy I had on my crew stopped showing up, yes just stopped showing up, didnt quite, didnt get fired, just stopped showing up, and he wasnt taking calls from work related people. The worst thing about that is he was my friend (I thought). I dont mind him quiting but he should have told me about it.
There's my total lack of motivation. which I believe is a result of my stress, lack of luck, and sex (lack of that is), so I'm going to try to make myself do somthing tomarrow with my daughter. Maybe I'll take her shopping...with all the money I dont have.
February 6th, 2006
would you like a little cheese with that wine???
Well it's monday night, tomarrow is my b-day. I'm sitting here half stoned, and feeling so sorry for myself. Not for getting older, well maybe alittle of it has to do with age. I hate my life..it seems whenever things start looking better somthing happens to turn it all to shit. It's so draining and fustrating. And it gets worst, I could so easily fix everything and get my life back to where I want it to be. I say that cause I know all of my issues, I know what I need to do. I know what I need to stop doing.
Thats what gets me, I know what I want and need but I dont go after it. I'm afraid, I'm afraid of everything. that sounds so stupid but I dont know how else to say it. I need to see a doc. and get some help. I know it will never happen, honestly...I just dont think I care enough, I have no highs and lows. I'm so fucken brain fried! so how do you change when you just dont care?
I know the person I want to be, I know its not going to be easy to change. I think I've hit the losest pointe of my life. I wont say I'm suicidal, I could never do that to my loved ones...but being a beach bum in the tropic's sounds better every day.
My life will change one way or the other. I no longer have the ability to skate by and/or wing it! and I have to face the fact I might not be able to do this all alone. "note to self" need to check my insurance.
February 4th, 2006
A great memorie
It was a warm, peacful early summer day. I was 12 years old. I was dateing a girl (jenny) whom was 16. Around ten o'clock in he morning, Jenny and her friend Julie (which was my brother's grilfriend) dropped over to hang out. They came so early so my dad wouldnt be there.
Not long after they arrived My brother( nate) and Julie disappeared to his room. Jenny took me by the hand and lead me to my room. Once inside we began to foul around. It wasnt the frist time we messed around, she was my frist real everything. My 1st kiss, my 1st tities, the 1st girl to rub touch and play with me.
After a few miniuts of messing around Jenny stopped me and said "you better pull out" I replyed wih somthing stupid like "what, you dont think I will"...honestly I was 12, and I had no idea what she meant. All I knew was I didnt want to stop. Well she started undressing what close she had left on, it took me about 10 seconds to get all my close off...she laid back spead eagle like and beackened me to her with her finger. I crawled on the bed right over her. Her hand slid down and she stated stroking my privates and rubbing it against her moist, soft, tender lips. While I was kissing on her neck and breast, playing with those nipple's and seeing how far down her thoat I could get my tonge. (back then it was the only way I knew how to use my tonge). Then she slid it in and said "push" so I pushed it in the rest of the way. The 1st stroke nice and slow as I tried to take in all the pleasure I was feeling. Her legs wrapped around me as we started grinding against one another. The friction, the sweat, the way our body's fit together. It was the best day of my life (at the time). after what felt like a few min's she stopped me and wanted to switch positions..so I rolled over and she climbed on, she slid it back in and proceded to grind. she started those hips thursting back and forth, back and forth, as I had one hand masaging her breast, pinching her nipples and the other grabbing her ass. It didnt take her long to wear herself out, and I saw she was getting tired she I rolled her back over. when I did she stopped me again then she put her legs up on my shoulder's. I can still remember that feeling, somthing about that position, well I just got hard sitting her thinking about it, Once she did that I leaned down in to her pushing against her then I started driving into her deeper and deeper, and as fast as my little ass could pump...It was over What a sensation, it was overwelming I remember feeling totaly relaxed and exsushted and so so soooooo pleased! .....Thats when I was not so kindly reminded about pulling out! then it clicked...oh I get it! "fuck"
January 23rd, 2006
its monday again.
Well its monday which means time to get back to work. Its not that I hate my job, cause I realy dont...I enjoy it most of the time. But when it feels like all I ever do is work, it starts to get to me.. since I moved back in with my ex, my social life has sucked. I seemed to have lost all motivation to do anything. and it has started pissing me off. why do I sit here bored out of my mind. Oh yeah I have no where else to go...havent seen any friends in awhile so i just cant stop over uninvited, realy need to make new friends, need to find fun people to hang out with. need to find somthing that draws my interest. Ok I'll be honest I need to stop being stonned all the fucken time, thats what makes me sit here and vegg out.
January 18th, 2006
just another morning.
Well today is already starting off kinda wierd...well not wierd, not anymore. I say that couse the things I use to think were wierd, Yeah really not so wierd anymore. I had a talk with my ex-wife/roomate about penis size...not involeing me or mine. well let's just say I dont worrie about my size, and I wont ever after the earlier conversatation a had. I didnt know there were realy guys out there that small.
So to all you women out in the world...I am sooo sorry. If you have ever been with a man with a tini wieni. please post it so we can all laugh!
January 8th, 2006
I geuss its time
Well I've been pining over this for awhile now. And now I know its time to move on with my life. But where to go from here...Thats the Q. I do have A few options, which one is the best? Move in with a friend of mine, maybe. move in with some girls I know, maybe. or get my own place again. I did enjoy living alone, mostly. But where? Not back to the country that kinda sucked... do I stay in blissfield to be close to my daughter, back to Adrian where I grow up? clayton where most of my friends, and family live. Adrian dose sound best...but where, where I feel like I fit in the best which is the shittier part of town. Or should I stride for better more peacful more boreing part of town...do I have any friends left in adrian? or have I cut to many bonds? maybe I should just take that transfer I was offered and move to texas? Not without my daughter. all I know for sure is that I cant have a life living here under these conditions...
I need some time to find myself, I need to stop thinking about whats best for other people. they sure in the hell dont consider me or my feelings. I need to get drunk! havent drunk since new years, that wasnt even all that much. why did I stop drinking..I use to have alot of fun.
It is time to start over agian..Frist things frist reastablish my relationships with my friends. that starts this weekend when I will actualy have alittle money. then women, I need to meet someone who just takes my breath away. no more married women(too much stress) no more liebiens who hides the fact they want a man every once in awhile(tired of hiding). no more young 20ish girls(to imature)...if anyone ever reads this dont think I'm that cool..this spands awhile.
Still try ing to figure out what I really want. I hope I'm smart enough to know it when I find it.